healing
How to heal fully and properly.
Pointless
You know... more and more I just realize how tired I am... how pointless things are. Quite honestly I don't understand most people and I am clearly not understood. The idea of waking up and repeating the same thing day in and day out, feels redundant. Giving up your time and your life in order to get food and shelter rather than just building a shelter, and being done with it, and raising/growing just the food you and your family needs... You try to not be alone and end up feeling more and more alone, alienated and different. Even if the shrink says there isn't anything really wrong with you to worry about, someone will always think your crazy... Try to live and have fun or hell even regain a childhood you never got. People tell you to grow up, stop wasting your life, go get a job and waste it toiling away there instead. Often making garbage no one really needs but somebody will buy anyways. When you get there they always want more, do more, be more motivated, always pushing the idea of the grand big paycheck for hard work, that often never comes. When it does, honestly the work to keep it and your age prevent enjoyment. But you go through the motions see the world more and more for what it is, rationalize, realize, you form ideas, write, design things, think things that could be invented. Even how they'd work. It never matters though, you're not a famous author, doors close quick, your ideas get you called a dreamer. Not skills to actually make them, often with no money to learn the skills... keeps them as ideas, makes them daydreams pipe dreams.. You get expected more and more to conform, to be normal to be the same.. to give up little pieces of you and become the machine... No one tells you the machine is complex, that moving from one part or talking to another part, each part has a slight variation to what normal is.. Things that are o.k to say to do to think, to feel. You try to belong, you drift from place to place, trying to find the part where you are normal. Where you don't feel like less for thinking, for having ideas. Where you don't feel you have to either explain every little though or idea like it's a complex blue print in order to be understood, and then ridiculed for it, not being fully understood anyways. Being seen as stupid because you simplify, ask, and clarify to be sure you understand someone else.. Becoming newly labeled as socially retarded by others... You look and you look.. Eventually if you tried at all, you give up, you close yourself off, you become a shut in.. Alone texting through a screen, trying to fill a hole a gap that doesn't belong. But it's been there for a long time.. Something that was never added... Or is there because to much was added and you went through it too fast or maybe you lost it.. Maybe from moving in the first place, or maybe it was falling ill, bad news constantly, ,maybe you tell people and hope they care and bond.. Maybe you do and no one really does... Maybe you don't because you wish, not to worry others, maybe you don't want pity.. Maybe you live years in pain, health getting worse but never showing it, living longer than expected. Doesn't matter it isn't there, and you can see. Eyes open how different you are the world is, how society is actually fucked up and crazy trying to conform to this illusion of normal. Shunning differences, we are told to embrace as children. How normal isn't a real thing and yet we attack anyone and everything that doesn't fit into that little bubble of what we see as normal. We call it sinful, wrong, sickness, illness, smash it with religion, try to smother it with pills. Create anxiety and depression, and turn a profit from it rather than showing acceptance and trying embrace the difference to create the place where that piece can fit.. That different mind that could have been a scientist, a doctor, an actor, had they not been just seen as different. Yet the machine goes on daily, on and on never ceasing, growing , consuming. Molding it's special little parts to replace the old parts, too many parts, more than needed, producing, consuming more than needed, slowly burning the machine out. Creating more and more pieces that don't fit because they just aren't needed now... Spares in case of defects. Turning lives into cogs and sprockets to drive society, to attempt to cheat death as long as long as we can. Avoiding the natural selection, survival of the fittest, the balance to the food chain....Growing older and older going on and on.. Maybe some days the pain is unbearable not just emotionally, mentally, spiritually but physically as well, it never changes. Expected to breed or forbidden to breed, sex sells and love doesn't, color and brightness fade away, dreams become regrets even different, being part of the machine is all there is. Do it or starve, greed, vanity, lust are everywhere you look, everything is just cold. You lose interest in it all..The frivolousness of it all, parts breaking and destroying other parts, as schools get shot up, countries war and bicker, like over sized children. We argue for rights and freedoms that should honestly have been ours are a birthright, yet are no more than lies, equality for every part. No matter the shape, size, color and how it joins... Because we did not rise up, we became the machine men, the great dictator warned us of, became so close together and yet infinitely apart... A slowly breaking, un-fixable machine that runs our lives, is our lives and how confining, controlling, imprisoning and so very utterly pointless it is.
By Kaloriinn Mason6 years ago in Motivation
Junkie Journal Entry #1
I am a greatful recovering addict, that much I am sure of. This is the most amount of clean time I have had in the last 15 years or so (170 days alcohol 120 days all drugs and counting). I only was able to achieve this by taking my recovery serious, one day at a time. I had a “slip” in the early days of my sobriety but I was able to tell on myself and get back up. Looking back now, I believe it was best to get that mistake out of the way and that I was able to handle it correctly.
By Hypodermically Speaking6 years ago in Motivation
Anger #3
My anger. Anger - A strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, hostility. Anger has been the downfall and a burden for most of my life. I've been dealing with this thing called "anger" ever since I was a youngin and boy has It impacted my life a shit ton. It's wicked how one mental problem can Impact so much on your life.
By Tangaroa Rapihana6 years ago in Motivation
how it all started #1
How it started. When it started. Why it started. I'm not sure where to begin, as this all started years ago. Let's get to the point, I was bullied, i was a bully, I was sexually assaulted and i never thought I would say the last part but I said it. I'll start with Me getting bullied I was tall, strong and a girl, most mEn,boys find strong+tall+girl, pretty threatening, so I got bullied called ugly naMes, never got treated as a girl so I Practically turned myself into a boy as I thought it would stop but nope I was wrong. I haTed the way I looked I hated my hair as I thought curly hair was messy, I hated my eYes as they were to big compared to everyone else,I hated my lips as my friends all had nice thin lips, I hated my nose has everyone had a cute little nose, I hated my feet, I hated my hands, I hated my legs,I hated everything, everything on me and I think to myself why would I think that I was young, why would I punish myself, why was i so hard on myself. I started to grow hatred everyday more and more, so I let that out on other people tried to make them feel how I feel. I wish I never turned to that and i'm sorry for however I made you feel. I grew to cry every night, I grew to hate my appearance, I grew to be quiet and loud, I grew to hate, I grew to impress, I grew to never accept, I grew to not be me. Now me getting sexually assaulted, it wasn't the first time, the first time was when I was so young, I got forced, I got told to bend over, I got told if i don't do this I wont get to do this or that, I felt like this was normal, I thought it was ok, I never understood, until I got older but I never talked about it until I got older, he was much older than me and to think a grown teenager would do this to a little girl, he done it every time I came over. Not once did I think to tell my mum as she wouldn't believe me.The 2nd time, I was much older it was in primary school, she was very controlling and very must go my way or else. I felt threatened and scared I did not want to go on her bad side but I was perfectly strong and capable of stopping it but I mentally wasn't strong at all, I thought if I dont carry on with this I wont have friends, I'll be alone. So I had to go with it, she touched me everywhere, she wouldn't stop, she also forced other people, I felt disgusting, it was gross, I was not lesbian or bi, I hated every second of it, as soon as I went home, I went to my room cried and cried, I hated myself more, I wanted to disappear more and more, but I wasn't myself I'm still not me to this day. I lost myself everyday. I was stuck with that judgement throughout my whole school life. This is only the start of everything. I'm not me, I feel this is how I'm supposed to be. I'm not supposed to be here.
By Narissa Wingate-Connor6 years ago in Motivation
Being a victim of homophobia as a kid
Whenever I have an anxiety attack, the first thing I do is to sit at the corner of my dark room and take the time to reflect on the reasons behind it. I question myself, my past and what lead me to this completely messed up state. I look at my past and the image of a terrified and shy kid comes to my mind.
By Mohamed 6 years ago in Motivation
Un-Becoming
Quarantine Day Umpteen: It was just another Monday. Well, not your typical Monday. Unless your typical Monday includes an executive stay-at-home order from your governor because of a global pandemic. I sat at home scrolling on the Facebook (yes, THE Facebook) like the rest of my fellow detainees. Someone tagged me to a status with a hilarious joke and, instantly, I got an idea: What if I made this hypothetical joke a reality? So I staged a joke Facebook Live concert poking fun at the great Ms. Lauryn Hill's notorious tardiness. (I'm honestly a huge fan and I hope that she finds it humorous if she ever finds out about it.) With a hat, a mic stand, a guitar, and absolute silence I garnered approximately 4.8K viewers within about 2 hours. And while going somewhat viral is quite an experience, I was overwhelmed with the fact that, for the first time in a long time, I had just gone with a gut feeling without question. Sure, it may not sound like a monumental moment to you all. All I did was set up some props and leave my laptop idle for a few hours, right? On the surface, that may be. But this moment signified a breakthrough that was 20-some-odd years in the making.
By Arielle Crosby6 years ago in Motivation
Respect The Culture
There are different stories about black culture, My culture. I already know this and know you know this. People well known to the world have told their story, their struggle of being a colored person in society. While some also mention the favoritism that was played dividing black people from each others causing unforgettable fights that still exist to this day.
By Narley♥️6 years ago in Motivation
Unpopular opinion or not, it’s the only one I have...
You can’t make the world better. The word “better” itself is subjective. Good for one could just mean bad for another. Funny isn’t it? The derivation of perspectives. Take a nation, as beautiful as mine, the U.S., our prosperity and success. Really? It means nothing when the consequence is the oppression of the rest.
By Father Atom6 years ago in Motivation
Mind Your Thoughts
So, I don't know if you've heard of it, but there's this thing called “sublicide.” Allow me to explain: In the wild, amongst animals, specifically birds, sublicide is a term used to describe the brutal murder of a sibling, for the sole purpose of simply surviving. If there are less mouths to feed, the surviving mouth gets fed more, obviously.
By Ashley Alleyne Van-De-Cruize 6 years ago in Motivation
