Wit
Bloody Pencilvanian-Penlander War Continues With No End In Sight
The ink stains of the dead Penlanders are as fresh as the horror and dismay over the fates of the many Pencilvanians erased from the front lines. This centuries old conflict shows no signs of abating as fighting renewed again yesterday at the contested border between the two warring nation states. Hardest hit by loss were the famed Penlander fountaineers claiming some 500 dead in the first five minutes of fighting alone. They stormed the Pencilvanian front lines early and with numbers but ran head first into a hail of graphite re-enforced artillery shells lobbed from deep behind enemy lines. The battle tested #2 company of the Pencilvanian army then counter attacked with a neat pincer move attempting to sever the head of the Penlander BiC brigade, so named for its legendary leader General Brad (ironside) Cotton. General Cotton called for a counter-attack but the Pencilvanians gelled as a unit, hardened their lines with their mechanicalized troops, and repulsed the counter easily with a simple brush stroke. In a last ditch maneuver to salvage something from the horrendous string of losses the General fielded razor company and the 101st lighter brigade consisting of several thousand battle tested Penlander shock troopers. They attacked in ball point formation exploiting a small crack in the Pencilvanian lines. At the point of impact ink and black carbon flew in all directions as the ancient enemies met in bloody tip to tip fighting. This reporter will never forget the horror of that sight and prays for a swift end to this seemingly never ending war.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Humor
Doomsday Peppers Prepare for the Apocalypse
Doomsday peppers the world over are busy preparing for the Ripeture, the event which is said to foretell the coming apocalypse. According to the peppers when the Ripeture happens all good peppers will suddenly disappear leaving only their neatly folded husks behind. The non-peppers unfortunate enough to be left behind will be forced to spend their remaining days fighting to survive in a hellish nightmarescape of death and destruction. Stuck hanging on their shrubs as they slowly rot from radiation exposure or die from dehyrdation due to lack of available clean drinking water. A leader of the local pepper movement in Sinaloa, Mexico, Pablo Ano said the following in a prepared statement. "All good peppers must prepare now for the Ripeture. It will come suddenly and without warning. Those sinful peppers who do not believe in our great leader Dr. Pepper, blessed by the holy ghost, will be left behind to rot. Those non believers will never gain entry to the heavenly garden of eden where peppers of all varieties live forever in paradise." According to pepper lore the garden of eden has soil so rich all peppers can live for eternity without any need for fertilizer, inseticides, or replanting. In fact, it is believed that no insects are allowed in the garden lest they disturb the holy peppers planted there.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Humor
Local IT Manager Hires Hollywood Production Company to Create Content for Anti-Phishing Campaign
Local IT manager of Openz Industries, Ted Stephens, announced today that he had hired a Hollywood production company to create content for an anti-phishing campaign aimed at rank and file employees. Openz is a global leader in the manufacturing and distribution of automatic garage door opener remote controls and provides remotes for all of the leading automatic garage door manufacturers world-wide. The company has recently been hit with a spate of phishing attacks and employees have been easily fooled by fake emails exposing valuable company data to hackers intent on using the data to extort Openz or its customers for large sums of money. Specifically the hackers are believed to be targeting Openz' database of garage door opener codes. If those codes were compromised it would cripple Openz and possibly put hundreds of thousands of garage door opener remote control users at increased risk of break in. The previous attacks used fake emails that appeared to be coming from Openz corporate headquarters in Pittsburg, PA, and informed employees that they needed to update their user names and passwords as the company would soon be transitioning to new customer and pricing management software. The emails instructed the employees to click on a link which led to a fake website where they were then asked to input their current user names and passwords and asked several personal identifier questions during which many employees freely gave up their social security numbers, home addresses, personal cell phone numbers, and even detailed information on the whereabous of their sons, daughters, husbands, and wives. In the first atttack some 72% of employees fell for the scam. That number dropped to 40% for the second attack, but that second attack also saw several senior executive sduped. Mr Stephens said of the phishing attackss "While it is true that 40% of our employees were completely tricked by the fake emails and foolishly surrendered personal and confidential information, that leaves 60% who were not fooled. Those 60% need to fully understand the seriousness of the threat we face. They may have sniffed out the first wave of phising attacks fairly easily, but let's see how they do when Hollywood production company New Wave Entertainment steps up to the plate."
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Humor
A Witches' Coven's Halloween Soiree
"Behold, Abracadabra!" With a graceful wave of the wand and a sprinkle of shimmering stardust, the room transformed into a celestial wonderland, bathed in the soft glow of floating, twinkling lights that moved to the ethereal strains of an otherworldly melody.
By Printique Studios2 years ago in Humor
Mathematical Modeling of the Written Universe
The Friedmann equation and the expanding universe Alexander Friedmann of Russia is credited with developing a dynamic equation for the expanding universe in the 1920s. At the same time Einstein, Willem de Sitter of the Netherlands, and Georges Lemaitre of Belgium were also working on equations to model the universe. Friedmann developed his version as a relativistic equation in the framework of general relativity, but the description used here, and (in our theoretical model presented below) applied to the written universe will be limited to a simplified, non-relativistic version based on Newton’s laws. Convenient forms of Friedmann’s equation with which to examine the expansion time and temperature for a big bang model of the actual universe are shown below
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Humor
Up to 5 Million Doomsday Preppers Suddenly Disappear
Bunkers across the Country Empty, Gun and Gas Mask Sellers Predict Catastrophe In a mysterious occurrence like nothing the world has ever seen up to five million people, all part of the so called ‘preppers’ movement, have suddenly disappeared, leaving nothing but their neatly folded clothing behind. Many non-preppers who were left behind were suggesting that the Biblical end time known as the rapture had come. Local pastor Tim Stephens said in an interview “There can be no doubt that the rapture has indeed come though it has taken a form few had predicted. Instead of taking all the holy and believers in God up to heaven and leaving behind the sinful to fight to the death in a hellish afterscape where only the strongest and most well prepared would survive, it took all of the people who were the most well prepared to survive that nightmare world of death and destruction. What will become of those like us who were left behind now that the preppers are gone? I surely can’t say?” As of 1pm EST the day after the so called prepper rapture the world had declared an end to all wars for all time and began preparing for a utopian future without discord or strife.
By Everyday Junglist2 years ago in Humor
The One Star Review . Content Warning.
Dear Yurp reviews, This was the worst meal I ever had. My friends and I went to Goma Bakery for some good eats. We had heard good things from other customers. We heard they used a special, sticky plant juice that enhanced the flavor of their food. We heard they were great and had a top notch world famous Michelin rated chef serving the best food and had excellent customer service with a top notch wait staff. People say they always left full and the prices were reasonable.
By Alex H Mittelman 2 years ago in Humor
It's just my hemorrhoid.
(Photo done by JLN Photography and Digital Services - My best friend and sister!) I am convinced there are three types of people in the world. There are the people who look at kids, cringe, and run far away. The kinds of people who see a pregnant woman and run away from them like they have a contagious and fatal disease. The people who hiss and their skin visibly sizzles and smokes when someone asks them if they ever want kids of their own. And if you ask them if they would ever consider being a teacher? You'd probably get a loathing look that'll pierce your soul with venom.
By Hope Martin2 years ago in Humor
