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The split of an envelope,

The split of my heart,

Moving, barely conscious,

Through the tasks.

.

“She’s had a heart attack.”

“She’s incoherent.”

.

My mind loops,

My body moves on autopilot.

.

The paper in my hand—

How can this still arrive while I am

Drowning?

While she is dying?

.

I read without seeing.

.

$103 electric bill

Due to Eversource 4/29/24

Pay online for $3 off

.

I scan to pay,

Load the dishes into the dishwasher,

Climb into bed,

Cry.

.

The split of an envelope,

The split of my head,

throbbing.

I’ve been at the nursing home

every day.

.

She had a nightmare again,

Just hours after I left.

I had just fallen asleep.

.

I drove the dark streets back

To hold her hand and settle her,

Whisper that she was safe.

.

I left as the sun rose,

Cicadas shrieking as I drove home,

To pack my lunch and drink my coffee,

Then return to feed her breakfast,

To boot my laptop from her bedside.

.

My eyes are heavy,

but I can’t stop moving.

The world doesn’t.

.

My eyes scan the page,

Resigned

.

$103 electric bill

Due to Eversource 8/29/24

Pay online for $3 off

.

I scan to pay.

.

I don’t bother to shower

Or change my clothes.

It doesn’t matter in the face

Of Death.

.

The split of an envelope,

The split of my soul.

The doctor said

we needed to make a decision.

.

I cry at my counter,

Busy hands so I can’t think,

Can’t feel the weight of the question.

.

My eyes are so filled with tears

I cannot read,

But I know what it says.

.

$103 electric bill

Due to Eversource 12/29/24

Pay online for $3 off

.

I scan to pay.

.

I’ve failed to set up the Christmas tree.

Time is slipping by,

Faster than I can reach out to

Grasp it.

.

The split of an envelope,

The split of the earth.

I wait for the car to pull around,

Tear the page into tiny shreds.

I cannot bear to see its consistency.

.

$103 electric bill

Due to Eversource 5/29/25

Pay online for $3 off

.

I follow the hearse,

Hands gripped white on the wheel.

.

In the morning, I will wake

To the text,

now urgent:

$103 electric bill

Due to Eversource 5/29/25

Tap to pay online ($3 off!)

.

I will tap to pay.