Whoopsie!

I'm just gonna say it right now... I'm sorry.

I know things have been weird since I moved out, and I wanna clear the air because my pastor says that holding onto a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I'm the bigger person, so I'm reaching out first.

Shh... don't talk, just let me get this out.

I'm officially, formally apologizing for that whole thing with the chocolate milk. I know you like your little schedules and routines... but giving Lily a sippy cup of milk right in front of my nine hungry children was just insensitive. It created a real power struggle in the kitchen. They're kids... they're hungry... that happens to little people who are growing. Seeing a specialized drink like that when they had already finished off the six gallons I bought with my illegal California benefits card was a lot for them.

It was a nightmare getting those stamps to work across state lines already, so I was obviously stressed. I'm sorry I yelled... but I was just advocating for equality in a house that I really felt was our shared living space.

And since we're already talking about the kitchen, I should probably apologize for the broken shelves in the fridge. I know you asked me not to put so much weight in the door, but you have to realize, I was just being generous and making sure we had enough food in the house for everyone. Also, when you have twelve extra people in the house, the fridge is gonna be a high traffic zone, you should know that. It's a sign of life!

If the door doesn't stay shut now without you shoving a chair against it, just look at that as a tribute to the fact that my kids felt at home enough to eat whenever the spirit moved them. I'm sorry if the door being opened and closed all day caused the electric bill to hit $700, but honestly... it's probably just the seal. Those things are so iffy. It's not like I designed it to be crappy. You really should have bought something more sturdy.

I'm also sorry about the delay with the utility money. I had every intention of paying y'all... but moving my husband from California to Texas was a massive financial project. You were so stubborn about not letting him stay there because of his temper and the drinking... so I had to put every cent into getting our own place so I could see him without you judging me. I just figured since you and your husband were so stable, that extra $1100 for the water and electric was basically a welcome to Texas gift to me. Family is forever, right? I'm sorry if assuming you'd want to support my marriage caused a fight between you and your man... but money shouldn't come between sisters.

Mom told me you're still upset about the living room furniture. I'm sorry the springs in the couch poke out, but a couch is for sitting on. The kids were just checking the bounciness of it because you're the fun aunt and they thought it would be ok. Also, it was just poorly made. You should have thought about that before buying it from Amazon and expecting it to last forever.

I'm sorry about the hair in the drains too, there's just so many girls! Twenty four showers a day between us all, it happens. And speaking of hair... I'm also sorry about that whole thing with your straightener years ago. I know I got mad when you said I could borrow it and do it myself instead of you doing it for me, but I was feeling vulnerable and just needed a sisterly touch. When you tried to get out of it because you didn't wanna be around my husband, it felt like you were rejecting me.

I'm sorry I called you selfish, but when you deny me your labor, it feels like you're denying me your love. It's the same way I feel about that social security number situation.

I know you're still sensitive about that and the $800 phone bill I ran up under your name. I'm sorry you found out about it at the bank when you turned 18. That must've been embarrassing... but I was just a young mom and the kids needed to be able to talk to their dad in jail. You had your whole life to build credit! I didn't think you'd mind me using your identity for just a little bit to get on my feet. I actually chose your number because I trust you the most. I'm sorry if the collections people were mean to you, but as my little sister, you should really have seen that as a long term investment in my happiness.

Let's see... what else? Oh! Prom! I know you feel like you missed out on all that school stuff, but I promise you it's so lame! You would have just been at some stupid dance with nothing to show for it, but instead, I gave you the gift of motherhood by proxy. You knew how to change a diaper before you could even drive! Most girls pay for that kind of vocational training!

I'm sorry if you felt like you didn't have a life, but you had my children's lives in your hands, and isn't that more meaningful than a corsage? I was out there just trying to find my way in the world, and I trusted you to hold down the fort. If you felt burdened being homeschooled just to watch my kids, I'm sorry... that you didn't see the educational value in it. It was basically an internship.

Back to your house... I'm sorry about the holes in the walls... and the bathroom. That was a lot of people in one bathroom! It was just an invitation for mold and flooding. I assumed you had renters insurance. Why didn't you? That was stupid.

Sorry my son's girlfriend was such a bitch while we stayed there. She was stressed out because she wasn't used to a house that had rules. When she called you a bitch for not giving her your art supplies, she was just exercising her right to free speech. I'm sorry if you guys ever felt disrespected, but that's just how we show love.

I'm sorry I've distanced myself lately, but in my defense, you just aren't Christian enough for me lately. It's hurtful to be around someone who cares so much about unpaid bills and damage. My new boyfriend from the halfway house church says true grace means the past no longer exists. He's really smart, just a little misunderstood. People focus on the murder part of his record and tend to forget about his beautiful singing voice. I'm sorry if me going to church makes you uncomfortable, but I finally feel like I'm around people who don't judge me for just trying to live.

Hmm... the birthdays. Let's not forget about that. I was really busy trying to get that restraining order against my husband, you know the one you wrote that statement for? Yeah... well, I figured since you were already doing that for me, you'd know my plate was full. It's hard having a relationship with a man who has alcohol induced outbursts... especially when he's so damn cute!

I'm sorry you think I'm the bad sister. But I have literally spent my whole life giving yours a purpose. If I didn't have nine kids, you wouldn't have nine nieces and nephews to buy Easter baskets for. If I hadn't moved in, you wouldn't have learned hospitality. I'm sorry you see that as a burden instead of the blessing it truly was.

I'm sorry I cut you off after the move. I called you selfish because you kept nagging me about that damn water bill while I was trying to get my husband moved in. I'm also sorry I lied about him moving in, I wanted to be with him without you making those concerned faces about his violence. It was easier to block you and call you crazy than to explain that love means overlooking a few bruises and STDS. It's sad your own marriage doesn't have that kind of dedication.

Speaking of your marriage, I'm sorry I said your husband was on drugs. He seemed angry a lot... I thought he was seeking an escape. It was a compliment really to how quietly he managed the stress of it all! Honestly, I hope you're both really proud to be the sturdy rocks I used to step over that river.

I'm sorry about the Christmas thing too. Thank you for getting my kids those things! I didn't see the point in getting your kids stuff that my kids would just break, so I tried to focus on the true meaning of the season. It's more blessed to give, so I wanted y'all to enjoy those blessings. I was just trying to be considerate.

I'm sorry if I ever made you feel used or invisible when I would call and tell you all about my problems, not even bothering to wait until you had a chance to talk. Life is busy when you're in love with a felon! (Not my husband by the way, that new cutie from church!) I don't get a lot of free time to just chit chat, but I want you to know, you're the first person I think of whenever I need a co-signer!

Anyways, I hope this clears the air...

I'm sorry for the food, the couch, the money, the identity theft, the holes in the wall, and the fact that I'm dating a murderer. But mostly, I'm sorry you aren't mature enough yet to see that none of this was my fault.

I think it's time we moved on. I'm ready.

To prove you have accepted my apology, can you send me some money through Facebook?