I never will

She looked at me with honest eyes.

"I cant Theo." Her eyes shined a reflection from the sun.

"I cant do it without you." I held her waist closer to me. "Please, just stay. We can figure this out together. I'll get my shit straight."

She looked down and back at me. She shook her head slowly. I started shaking my head. "Please Bella. You know i can change, you've seen it."

"I know you can. But you need to do it alone. And I'll wait for you, I will. But this is a battle you need to fight on your own. You wont win this with me." Her hands moved from my chest to my neck, wrapping around me.

"Please, I don't know if ill be able to do this without you. I need you here. You've helped me so much." I put my head against hers. "Without you i'm such a lost cause." I whisper.

She shook her head. "No your not. You got this. Ill wait for you. I wont let another man touch me. So you just gotta work on yourself."

"What if I dont get better? What if I only go backwards? What if you fall in love with someone else? What if you leave me? Come on, what if i end up doing drugs again and over dose?" I shake my head from the thoughts. I dont know what id do without this girl. she is my whole life and more. She is the reason i haven't given up on myself.

"Ill still be here waiting for you. I always will. I love you Theo, but you need to go and be on your own." She slid her hands down my arms to my hands only to pull them off her waist and back by my side. I didnt know what to say or do. I cant lose her, but no matter what i say she will still leave. Guess they were right. If you really love someone you would let them go. Let them be free. Let them live their life.

But i need her. I need her to be by my side. How can I fight for someone who isn't even here, someone who left me when i really needed them.

"No...no." I whisper. She tilts her head to the side.

"No what?" She questioned trying to read my mind.

"No. thats what i mean. I'm not going to do it without you. I need you. And if your not here, there's no you and I. There's no us. So just go." I take a step back from her. If I love you, ill let her go.

"Theo, don't do that. I know your mad, but i cant do this with you, I've been through so much and you know it. I want to live too. I need to heal myself too. We both do. And we need to do it separately. Just trust me." She cups my face, and gently kisses me. I shake my head. and step back again from her. Farther this time. Putting distance between us that makes me feel uneasy.

"I trusted that you wouldn't leave you. you broke my trust. If you want to leave then go. Ill still be here....You deserve to find peace, and if that's not with me im ok with that. because i love you. Ill be fine." I nod myself, trying to convince myself that i am fine. i will be fine. i can do this.

"I feal like your trying to say something else."

"Ye. Its a goodbye to us. We shouldn't wait for each other. we'll only see the broken version of each other. So i'll be the one, to leave. Ill be the one to say it-"

"Theo that wasnt what i was trying to s-"

"Goodbye Bella. Because if i dont walk away now, I never will."

I never wanted to fall in love with someone, to change so badly for the person i love just for them to want to leave me.